There's a Reason You Sell Cars, Fucktard!

A little background...

I recently (about 2 months ago) submitted a request for quotes on a new Mazda. As a result, I now get calls and emails on a daily basis from the, regularly, unemployable wastes of oxygen that infest car dealerships. I had originally entered my information including vehicle make, model, trim and extras into an online car service, which is forwarded to these employably challenged young men & women. What was supposed to be sent to me was a quote. I have yet to receive a quote from one of these dick bags in their over 120 attempts at correspondence. So, in exchange for the infinite annoyance, I am going to give them an English lesson. Here is an email that a fellow, we'll call him "W," sent me the other day:

Hello Jon, Are we friends Corky? I'm not sure that we've met. Start the letter like you actually know how to conduct business and use a colon!

This is "W" from the "Big Ass Asian Car Dealership". I am writing to verify that you received my email in response to your vehicle inquiry.

The "Big Ass Asian Car Dealership" values your interest in our products and we will work to assist you in all needs for your next purchase. We are always looking for ways to improve our client services; so to assist us in getting you the correct information can you please inform me if????? question marks Dude? c'mon. Ever heard of a colon you ignorant piece of shit? Even an ellipsis would be better than that. This is my problem with IM. You know this ass lick has refined his mastery of the English language by talking to "12 year old boys" in the Sen. Larry Craig honorary chat room. What kind of dickhead uses multiple question marks????

- Your currently in the market for the requested vehicle you inquired about and would you like additional information on it HOLY SHIT! I haven't seen someone make a mistake like this since the last time I read a resume from a guy with his G.E.D. (coincidence, I think not) I only need to make this point once; the word "your" is a possessive. The contraction you're is short for 'you are,' which would be correct. By the way, would it kill you to use some punctuation?
- Your still in the market for a vehicle, but haven't decided what best fits your needs
- Your no longer in the market for this vehicle at this time
- You have purchased this vehicle elsewhere
- You have purchased a different vehicle and do not need any further information

Thank you for taking the time to reply, and for helping us better understand your needs. So I can confirm vehicle availability and current promotions please contact me either by phone or email with all the information needed so I may help you best. I'll let the ',and' go this time. However, don't try to fool me into thinking that you have some grip the English language by using 'may.' You're stupid (notice the you're), when you think you should use 'may,' use 'can' and vice-versa. The best part is, those aren't the only two mistakes in this paragraph. That's how truly dumb you are!

If you have any questions or concerns that need immediate attention, please call my direct line @ (781) 278-****. I look forward to assisting you in your search for the exact vehicle you desire.

P.s. I never thought that I would meet someone that is dumb enough to learn something at DeVry, but you've made me a believer. I hope they offer financial aid, because your ass isn't going to see a paycheck for a while. -Tobs

Johan Santana!

Fuck Johan Santana. The Sox are already too good.

Priceless...

I know...I know. Those goddamn Mastercard commercials are about as fresh as Britney Spears' baby maker on Paris Hilton's leather seats. However, this is just too good for me to pass up. I'm sure that some of you know that Justin got married a couple weeks ago and I was co-best man, which means that they let me give a speech. BIG MISTAKE! Without further ado, here is my Mastercard version of the events.

Rental Tux for your best friends wedding...$110

Penis Tiara and "Rock Out with Your Cock Out" t-shirt for his bachelor party...$30

Enough Wild Turkey 101 to make J-Cap comment at the ceremony that "you smell like a distillery"...$10

Calling your best friend a "homo" into a microphone at his reception in front of 140 bewildered, slack-jawed guests...Priceless

Seriously, this is the only occasion that I have ever seen that warranted a helmet cam. If you only could have seen this from my perspective. It truly was priceless! Congrats O, I believe that might have been the denouement of the day.

I'M BACK BITCHES!

First of all. I'd like to start of with a big BYAHHHH! (who ever said Howard Dean never contributed to society). I've had a lengthy absence from the blog scene, for which I beg you to accept my profuse apologies. However, like a female, I will express the polar opposite viewpoint and tell you that I couldn't care less about what you think, so take a long walk...(my apologies if you're a rational, sane female reading this) [insert sarcastic laughter here]. Now that I think about it, I should have ended this right after the first sentence. Some things you can expect from my upcoming entries:

• How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
• Who is responsible for pumping up J-Lo's ass every morning and why can't they do the same for her talent (or lack thereof)?
• How does Pdiddy get such soft hands?
• Why is it that every time NASA tries to do something big, they always fail? More importantly, why don't they try to fail and therefore succeed every time?
• Why are you thinking "where the hell does he come up with this shit" when you are reading a blog entitled Random Shit No One Else Thinks About?