There's a Reason You Sell Cars, Fucktard!

A little background...

I recently (about 2 months ago) submitted a request for quotes on a new Mazda. As a result, I now get calls and emails on a daily basis from the, regularly, unemployable wastes of oxygen that infest car dealerships. I had originally entered my information including vehicle make, model, trim and extras into an online car service, which is forwarded to these employably challenged young men & women. What was supposed to be sent to me was a quote. I have yet to receive a quote from one of these dick bags in their over 120 attempts at correspondence. So, in exchange for the infinite annoyance, I am going to give them an English lesson. Here is an email that a fellow, we'll call him "W," sent me the other day:

Hello Jon, Are we friends Corky? I'm not sure that we've met. Start the letter like you actually know how to conduct business and use a colon!

This is "W" from the "Big Ass Asian Car Dealership". I am writing to verify that you received my email in response to your vehicle inquiry.

The "Big Ass Asian Car Dealership" values your interest in our products and we will work to assist you in all needs for your next purchase. We are always looking for ways to improve our client services; so to assist us in getting you the correct information can you please inform me if????? question marks Dude? c'mon. Ever heard of a colon you ignorant piece of shit? Even an ellipsis would be better than that. This is my problem with IM. You know this ass lick has refined his mastery of the English language by talking to "12 year old boys" in the Sen. Larry Craig honorary chat room. What kind of dickhead uses multiple question marks????

- Your currently in the market for the requested vehicle you inquired about and would you like additional information on it HOLY SHIT! I haven't seen someone make a mistake like this since the last time I read a resume from a guy with his G.E.D. (coincidence, I think not) I only need to make this point once; the word "your" is a possessive. The contraction you're is short for 'you are,' which would be correct. By the way, would it kill you to use some punctuation?
- Your still in the market for a vehicle, but haven't decided what best fits your needs
- Your no longer in the market for this vehicle at this time
- You have purchased this vehicle elsewhere
- You have purchased a different vehicle and do not need any further information

Thank you for taking the time to reply, and for helping us better understand your needs. So I can confirm vehicle availability and current promotions please contact me either by phone or email with all the information needed so I may help you best. I'll let the ',and' go this time. However, don't try to fool me into thinking that you have some grip the English language by using 'may.' You're stupid (notice the you're), when you think you should use 'may,' use 'can' and vice-versa. The best part is, those aren't the only two mistakes in this paragraph. That's how truly dumb you are!

If you have any questions or concerns that need immediate attention, please call my direct line @ (781) 278-****. I look forward to assisting you in your search for the exact vehicle you desire.

P.s. I never thought that I would meet someone that is dumb enough to learn something at DeVry, but you've made me a believer. I hope they offer financial aid, because your ass isn't going to see a paycheck for a while. -Tobs

Johan Santana!

Fuck Johan Santana. The Sox are already too good.

Priceless...

I know...I know. Those goddamn Mastercard commercials are about as fresh as Britney Spears' baby maker on Paris Hilton's leather seats. However, this is just too good for me to pass up. I'm sure that some of you know that Justin got married a couple weeks ago and I was co-best man, which means that they let me give a speech. BIG MISTAKE! Without further ado, here is my Mastercard version of the events.

Rental Tux for your best friends wedding...$110

Penis Tiara and "Rock Out with Your Cock Out" t-shirt for his bachelor party...$30

Enough Wild Turkey 101 to make J-Cap comment at the ceremony that "you smell like a distillery"...$10

Calling your best friend a "homo" into a microphone at his reception in front of 140 bewildered, slack-jawed guests...Priceless

Seriously, this is the only occasion that I have ever seen that warranted a helmet cam. If you only could have seen this from my perspective. It truly was priceless! Congrats O, I believe that might have been the denouement of the day.

I'M BACK BITCHES!

First of all. I'd like to start of with a big BYAHHHH! (who ever said Howard Dean never contributed to society). I've had a lengthy absence from the blog scene, for which I beg you to accept my profuse apologies. However, like a female, I will express the polar opposite viewpoint and tell you that I couldn't care less about what you think, so take a long walk...(my apologies if you're a rational, sane female reading this) [insert sarcastic laughter here]. Now that I think about it, I should have ended this right after the first sentence. Some things you can expect from my upcoming entries:

• How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
• Who is responsible for pumping up J-Lo's ass every morning and why can't they do the same for her talent (or lack thereof)?
• How does Pdiddy get such soft hands?
• Why is it that every time NASA tries to do something big, they always fail? More importantly, why don't they try to fail and therefore succeed every time?
• Why are you thinking "where the hell does he come up with this shit" when you are reading a blog entitled Random Shit No One Else Thinks About?
  

A Random Observation About Japanese Tourists

Let me get something straight before you read this. Those of you who know me, know that I am vehemently opposed to discrimination, stereotypes and just prejudice in general. Sometimes, though, I am forced to set aside my morals for an observation regarding certain groups of people. That being said; enjoy...

Working where I do, I tend to see groups of tourists on a regular basis. However, the Japanese tourists tend to stand out because of the large, gelatinous masses that they travel in. Apparently, Japanese fancy themselves as sperm. How do I know this you're asking? Because, through a set of slanty eyes, I, apparently, resemble the last ovum on the planet Earth (for those of you who've had the distinct displeasure of sitting through health class, you know where this is going). For some reason every single one of them deems it necessary to bump or otherwise glance off of me as I'm trying to pass, as if I was a baby-wielding, tight-faced, surgical mask wearing, no pigment having Jacko doing the moon walk through downtown Tokyo covered in honey and 3 million Yen.

Update 11/1/07
Had to include a comment by Andrew when I told him that I was writing about Asian tourists:
"motherfucker I live in Washington DC, i am an expert on the japanese
tourist. i honestly have to say they're ten times better than the
tourists from the midwest and the south. the japanese are organized
and get shuffled on and off the buses like efficient yellowish cattle
by their tour guides. those from the red states trudge along at a
snail's pace, biding time until their next feeding at the transfat
trough."

All I'm saying is...get outta my way. I just want to go and be bored to tears at my job!

Mounds VS Almond Joy

First, I must give a little background for those of you who aren't familiar with either of these pieces of crap. A Mounds is a wad of dried, congealed conconut surrounded by chocolate. A Almond Joy is a Mounds with a random almond sitting on top of it. Now, I'm not sure what culinary genius thought of either of these, but they should be slowly executed for poluting the candybar gene pool.
Onto the naming convention. Why would you call a candybar that is all coconut a Mounds, which I actually like as a name, and call a candy bar with all coconut and ONE almond, an Almond Joy? Shouldn't it be a Coconut Joy? On the rapper, the "o" in Joy is actually a picture of a half coconut. Furthermore, there is a picture of two almonds on the rapper. Isn't that false advertising? Imagine you didn't have a firm grasp of the English language and you were going to choose a candy bar based on the pictures. The Almond Joy would be a delicious choice given those criteria. But, when you bit into it you'd be thinking "what the fuck is this disgusting piece of rat shit I have just insulted my mouth with?"

In conclusion (notice the thesis format), both of these crap cakes suck! We, the consumer, are the real loser here. It's a shame that these horribly named pieces of junk are staring at us when were trying to decide on something delicious to pollute our bodies with!

Discuss amongst yourselves!

Welcome

This being my first post, I feel I should welcome everyone in my own special way. Basically, I'm not welcoming anyone at all, just letting you all know that in this small universe that is my blog, none of your opinions count for shit. As a matter of fact, I'm telling you that you don't have an opinion; about anything that I say, of course, unless you happen to have the exact same opinion that I have. I'm taking the white-upper class approach to this thing from the get-go. I want nothing but homogenization from this. Basically, I want nothing but people with opinions just like mine. Think about it. When you're rich and white, you have the luxury of surrounding yourself with people that have the same views, lifestyles and backgrounds as yourself. This gives you the benefit of isolating yourself from others views, opinions and general cultural norms learned by interacting with people from different socio-economic backgrounds.
Disclaimer: this welcome message is not meant to offend rich or white people. It's just a not-so-random observation.

WELCOME!